Reply to the Diarist: When "Open" Means Fantasy, Sex, and Life

Source: The Cut, Sex Diaries

Published: 2025-11-09

Summary:
A forty-nine-year-old writer in Manhattan has been open with her partner, Stephen, since they met three years ago. Both are divorced parents. They live together, raising four kids between them, while leaving room for other connections.

When an old fling named Ben resurfaces after eight quiet months, she picks up where they left off. Their chemistry is still sharp, and it builds through role-play — doctor and patient, teacher and student. One night, she meets him in a schoolgirl outfit. They fall back into a familiar script that ends the way it used to, with her going home to Stephen and telling him everything. Talking about other men turns them both on.

But later that week, real life edges in. Work stress, parenting demands, a friend’s sudden death, and Stephen’s quiet confession that he wants to date again. Her jealousy comes back, even after years of therapy and practice. She wonders whether openness still fits, though she is not ready to let it go.

By the end of the week, the grief and doubt start to loosen. She and Stephen find each other again in bed, letting the rhythm of their sex and shared life bring them back into sync.

My Reply to the Diarist
This isn’t a fantasy. It’s adulthood done right.

I love that you're 49 and thriving. You aren't ashamed or secretive, and you don't feel “past your prime” the way our culture keeps telling women they should. You're just fully alive.

I also love how wonderfully normal you and your nesting partner are.You get jealous, he feels lonely, and you meet those feelings with curiosity instead of shame. That’s what real growth looks like.

And yes, the role-play is hot. But even more, it shows how open relationships can fit into everyday life. Honest. Caring. Out in the open. It doesn’t have to be a secret. It doesn’t have to be a scandal.

Huge round of applause to you, diarist, for reminding us that pleasure and maturity can belong in the same breath.

The ENM Angle:
The diarist names herself as non-monogamous, but her week shows how the lived experience rarely lines up neatly with the theory. Even after years of practice, she still moves between excitement and unease, trying to hold space for both independence and connection. Her relationship with Stephen reflects a more grounded kind of open partnership. They share everything, from arousal to boundaries, and talk through what matters. Still, her writing makes clear that some feelings linger, even in long-term open relationships — jealousy, doubt, the quiet question of what is enough.

What stays with you is her ease with consent and honesty. She tells Stephen everything, including what happened with Ben, and that kind of openness deepens their desire instead of threatening it. But she also names a harder truth. Being open does not mean you stop feeling vulnerable. It means you learn how to meet those feelings head-on, again and again.

Her story does not treat non-monogamy as an escape from monogamy. It treats it as a practice. One that asks for curiosity, clear language, and care, even on the days when silence would feel easier.

One-Line Takeaway: Ethical Non-Monogamy isn’t a fantasy or a vacation getaway. It’s real life, with all the mess, maintenance, and meaning that love demands.